Manning Park

From 24 July 2007

This one time at Manning, Jamie and I attempted crossing the lake with peanuts, my glasses & my retainer to feed the Almightey Gopher Dons. “Almighty” has an “e” in it so as not to offend the Almighty God and incur the wrath of His Divine Lawyers who may proceed to sue-eth us to biths (that was “bits” spelled with a lisp.)

Anyhow, lake-crossing-attemption was undertaken on (drumroll, please…) HOMER – OHs!! Inner-tubes of plastic with head & armrests with an image of one Mr Homer J Simpson splayed upon each of the two. Mr Simpson appears courtesy of Matt Groening, the 20th Century Fox Corporation, and the company that pumped out the inflatables upon which we perched oh-so precariously. I’m not sure I fully know what “precarious” means…

HOWEVER! I do fully know how our fateful trip ended! We found a log in the lake that, upon first glance, looked just like a moose submerged in water and green algae. ICKY. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jamie and I screamed at the “moose” in the water. Remember, kids, this is just a huge freaking log with branches resembling large antlers and a trunk distortion resembling the face of a moose. I think someone swam down later & touched it to confirm the lack of moose-ness. Mothers (our own) yelled at us for being crazy disturbances of the peace from the shore, a mighty 20 feet away from our current position. Still, we trekked onwards! Onwards we went until we came upon a duck! At this, we too screamed from fear! It flapped its wings and stuck its chest out at us in a ferocious manner and we were frightened thus. And thus we screamed, evoking more yells from our loving matriarchs, this time about being insane, unstable disturbers of Happy Hour (which begins at noon and ends at bedtime…whenever that may be…). We accepted this claim of theirs, being the responsible children we are.

HOWEVER #2!! After travelling a few yards more, I, Lindsay, FELL OUT OF MY HOMER-OH. FELL INTO THE FECETIOUS WATERS OF MANNNING PARK. THE FECETIOUS WATERS OF MANNING PARK THAT HOUSED THE MOOSE LOG AND THE FIERY-TEMPERED DUCK OF DOOM!!! I thought for sure I was a goner! Is that how you spell it? “Gone” with an “r”? Or is it “gonner”? Or “gon’r”? DAMMIT. ON WITH IT!

Just then, as I thought of my coming doom, I was saved! Was I pulled, by a dashing young man, back onto my Homer-Oh, where we happily sailed and made passionate love for the rest of our lives??? No, dorkwad. Jamie fell in, too! 😀 Mine arse was saved! At least, until the Beast of the Deep was finished devouring her and came back for me. Our Homer-Ohs were tied together, so that’s why she fell, too. NOW! Knowing that the Beast of the Deep was in fact a true-to-life creature and not something we pulled off the top of our outrrrrrrageously-imaginative heads, we swam for our very lives towards the Day Area. Our only hope for survival and Gopher Feeding. We made it just in time. The end.

ps – my glasses, retainer & the peanuts all fell in the water. Jamie rescued my retainer & glasses from the Beast of the Deep whilst I rescued the peanut bag from on top of my submerged head, as it was all I could see that needed rescuing. What?? I’m visually impaired, stop laughing at me, you insensitive Muggle!


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