More Shit John Says

Earlier tonight, John said I’d been going back and forth between 4 and 15 years old. I asked if he wanted to reword that statement. Later, he asked, badgeringly, why I hadn’t done my online practice tests for my learner’s permit; I replied that it was because he hadn’t badgered me about it. Then this happened.

John: “I thought I’d trust you to do it yourself and not badger you about it. I didn’t think you’d appreciate being badgered.” (We like the word “badger”.)

Me: “You badger me about things all the time. Especially since I’m only 4 and 15. We don’t remember shit like that at our age.”

John: “What do I badger you about?”

Me: “… Food, mostly. [as John] ‘What are you doing? Stop that. Put that down. No! Don’t put it in your mouth!’ That’s you. All the time.”

John: “Well, when you eat chunks of butter…”

Me: [hysterical peals of laughter]

John: “…When you eat chunks of butter, since you’re only 4 and 15 – and 4 and 15 year olds don’t think about the consequences of what they eat – I pretty much have to.”

Me: [still laughing hysterically, because I do, in fact, sneak chunks of butter when John’s not around. What? It’s delicious!]



Things My Friends Say

“Water has 0 calories?! People have to be told this?! It’s fucking WATER!”

John James, reacting to a radio advertisement

“Is that a poorly constructed construction paper penis?”

Emily Ewing, on seeing a child’s art project in the gutter

Please join us next time, when more hilarious things are said.